What to expect when you are expecting = bullshit.

We’ve all heard of the book, and now the movie — well I am calling bullshit on all of it. Seriously. When I found out I was pregnant with our first back in early July of 2017 the first thing I wanted to do was run out and grab this damn book. I literally ran to Value Village (because I would rather spend $5 on the dumb book than like $30… oh shush I had a baby on the way now, I can’t spend freely). I was worried I wouldn’t find it (why did I worry there was literally 16 of them) and I raced home to crack it open.

I got home and immediately started reading it. Although yes, the book is amazingly categorized and contains every single topic that relates to pregnancy but honestly, it just put me into sheer panic. I started reading the headings for anything and everything that could go wrong in my pregnancy and panicked even more. Things you can and can’t do, say, eat, breathe… like seriously. I would call my hubby or my mom in tears saying “WHAT IF…” and they would always say “Felicia close the damn book” and all I would say back is “BUT IT’S SCIENTIFIC!!!”

I don’t mean the usual stuff like don’t eat raw fish… ok yes I get it. I’m talking about things like don’t have baths (BITCHHHHHHH, don’t take away my pain killers and my baths!!!!), don’t use a heating pad, don’t use essential oils, don’t drink peppermint tea, you could have this, that, and every other disease under the sun because of “blank” symptom. Like no. I sat there in tears on my bed thinking what the hell am I going to do… I live off peppermint tea, I infuse essential oils on a daily basis, baths are a weekly routine to ease reoccurring back pain that I had pre-pregnancy…. how the hell am I supposed to change every single aspect of my life for 9 + months? You are probably sitting there thinking “well Felicia, maybe you shouldn’t have gotten pregnant then, this isn’t about you anymore”. Okay, I get it. I know how you feel but honestly, it felt the book was telling you like you to just live in a bubble. I lived like this for 4 full months. Listening and avoiding everything the dumb book and internet told me to avoid until one day I thought really Felicia, this is getting ridiculous. It got to the point where I would second guess everything I was eating or doing and quickly look up to see if I was allowed… So I went to my doctor who said “Felicia, pregnancy isn’t a disease… just listen to your body.” So you know what I did… I went home and HAD A DAMN BATH AND ENJOYED EVERY DAMN SECOND OF IT.

Do yourself a favor and just skip this book and the internet forums while you’re at it.  If you aren’t easily scared or nervous and of course, you planned the conception perfectly (like you put the pills and booze down before you even started trying), your diet during pregnancy is a nutritionally sound even the healthiest person in the world would be proud of you (yeah no, 4 months of bagels and peanut butter right here), you wouldn’t dream of medicating your cold, you exercise daily, your desire to experience unmedicated birth is overwhelming, and you believe that anything other than wearing your baby 24/7 to promote attachment… then, by all means, read the dumb ass book and listen to the stupid ass forums from perfect little mommies out there but girlllllll, that ain’t me and won’t be me.

I am SO sick of reading these damn articles that try to make all of us pregnant ladies little walking clones of model pregnancies… I say fuck that. DO YOU GIRL. We have a hard enough damn 9+ months GROWING A HUMAN, the last thing we need is to add is a thesaurus long list of shit we can’t do while we are pregnant. OK YES, maybe stay clear of the drugs and the cigarettes, the booze and maybe even the raw fish every day but other than that… fuck.a.duck.

My opinion: do what's right for you. There are things I choose to avoid, like pain killers and drugs, while other things like baths, my heating pad and essential oils are actually really good for me, and help me ease alot of pregnancy aches and pains. Put the book down, and turn off the forums. No pregnancy is the same, and just because one person had a symptom that turned out to be complicated doesn’t mean yours will. Trust your doctor, trust your body and trust instincts. Enjoy your pregnancy instead of stressing every second over a damn cup of peppermint tea (which honestly, my doctor didn’t even know it was a damn problem… so who the hell took away my peppermint tea?!? an asshole that’s who.)

If you are worried about something call your doctor or midwife, they will let you know if it is right or wrong for you but like I said” pregnancy isn’t a disease. Live your life

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